I dreamt of you last night. Isn't that strange? You weren't special in any way from the so many others before you; just something to pacify the urge. Perhaps that's not your fault. You were probably bruised bumping around in the trunk of my car. And in hindsight I should have taken my time and let you breathe a little bit longer. I suppose some will accuse me of becoming careless. As evidence they could always cite the big red stains you left on the carpet which I'll probably never get out. They could if I hadn't hid them under the sofa, that is! But no doubt someone will find them eventually. You know, maybe you weren't so unremarkable. After all, it's because of you I'll never buy a cheap bottle of Merlot again.

To: Simon Selfridge

From: Robert Holmes, Head of Development

Subject: RE:Big Breakthrough!!!


I'm pleased that you've finished the design for the new line due for production in October, but I'm worried about the amount of detail you've put into these product specs. As you know, we all appreciate your previous experience with BAE and your degrees from MIT and Drexel, but I feel you're trying a bit too hard in this role. After reviewing the drafts you submitted for BDC34.1b, I'm left with mixed emotions. As a fellow designer, I can agree that this is an engineering marvel. In fact, I would go so far as to call it a work of unbound inspiration, but at this scale and level of complexity it's lost a lot of the features that made the original design so ruthlessly efficient. I'm sorry, Simon, but in this form it's more of a "strap-in" than a strap-on.

"Our relationship is built on a foundation of trust. And safe words, just in case."

Being married is a lot like being held up at gun point. Do what she says and no one gets hurt. It's all a matter of "wife or death".

Guide to Getting Your Gay Marriage and Generally Fucking with Catholics

  1. Get a sex change operation.
  2. Get legally declared to be your new gender.
  3. Marry your partner.
  4. Consumate the marriage.
  5. Get a sex change operation.